Sometimes we Have to Stare into the Tomb
I’m starting to wish I had started this blog under a
pseudonym … a way to write, to put things out in the world without being
directly associated with my identity, without involving my friends and relatives,
without being linked to my current or future vocation.
I long for an opportunity to process, in writing, the things
with which I struggle and how I reconcile these things (or don’t) with my life,
faith, and vocation. And yet I understand, more clearly every passing moment,
the risks of doing so in a public forum.
Yet I made the choice to start this blog in a public forum
with a specific purpose: to be a real person, flesh and blood, struggling in
and with the realities of how we live in the “now but not yet” of this life,
acknowledging the moments in the depths and still standing in the brilliant
hope of the resurrection. And I don’t think you can do that from a place of
hiding.
So here I am talking to myself while I write about why I do
this, convincing myself it’s not too risky to do again. It has been another
six-month silence. Yet, my soul screams out for the transparency this sharing
brings.
So here it is … it has been a dark Holy Week. A couple of
individuals I started following in the last year on social media (@rozellahw
and @crazypastor) have been examining the despair that remains even after
Easter, the tension of proclaiming “He Is Risen, Indeed, Hallelujah!” while
living in the reality of a world still so broken.
How do we stand in the light of the resurrection,
participating in God’s work in the world, while still fighting the sinking
despair that comes when you stare into brokenness inherent in a world this side
of heaven?
It has been refreshing to have this tension named this week.
I think sometimes the hard part of believing in a God who loves us and
reconciled the world to Godself through Christ's death and resurrection is
staring into that brilliance and then feeling the heavy blanket of continuing
to live in the broken world. The hard part is living in the heaviness of being
called to love that world, called to love even those who would scorn, mock, and
crucify us, and, in fact, our very Lord and Savior.
So let’s name it … recently I found myself in the hard place
where I go from the self-starting, perfectionistic, internally motivated type-A
personality to the person who has to talk herself out of getting out of bed and
finds an excuse to recline at the earliest possible moment.
It all started the week of Spring Break. I could feel the
heaviness coming on. I had a soul-draining February with weekends filled with a
training event and leading a synod event and an overnight confirmation retreat.
I loved doing all these things. Yet when they were done, I had emptied myself so
completely I couldn’t rebound. While our family had planned a fun couple of
nights away at a cabin to play and explore, I found myself sleeping away much
of our time.
The following week I spent three days sick with influenza. I
was sure my fatigue the week before had been my body fighting this oncoming
illness.
Enter Holy Week. As I stared down the barrel of a number of
events to prepare for in April, I was living in the midst of a week that while
very busy in the life of the church doesn’t require a lot of me other than
showing up. The confirmation ministry for which I am responsible has spent the
last five weeks attending Lenten worship and meeting in small groups to discuss
our weekly dramas so I haven’t had to plan and prepare and also haven’t had the
chance to teach, which drives me and brings me joy.
And while there was plenty of planning and preparing for
things in April, I wanted to do none of it, or get out of bed for that matter –
so much so that for two days this week I put off getting out of bed so long I
didn’t have time to get ready and ended up working from home. And there’s
nothing so wrong with working from home, but the guilt of not choosing to get
out of bed and not showing up during a busy week in the life of the church weighed
heavily on me. And the guiltier I felt the harder it was to snap out of it all.
So, I, too, find myself short of heaven.
And aren’t we all?
As we struggle with the evil that remains in this world –
hatred, racism, persecution, xenophobia, poverty, war, homophobia, income
inequality, misogyny, etc. – isn’t it clear that while “It is finished” for
eternity, for today we continue to struggle against all that would pull us into
the depths, all that would steal the beauty of our days, of our very lives?
And I am reminded of another of my favorites to follow on
social media (@momastery) who speaks of these days. She speaks of being the
kind of person who feels the energy of the world and seeks to channel her
response into active engagement in God’s reconciling work in the world.
But, she is the first to admit that some days the waves
consume and she has to be gentle with herself. Sometimes staring in to the
brilliance of the resurrection and reconciliation while trying to throw off the
oppressive weight of the world around us takes more than we have.
And this is good news for me.
I may think I should be capable of all this.
I may think the sheer power of my will should be enough.
But the reality so vibrantly presented in the death and resurrection
of Christ –
Whether you shout, “He is Risen, Indeed. Hallelujah!” with
confidence surrounded by plastic eggs and chocolate bunnies or whisper it defiantly
in the face of deep despair and sorrow in the evil of this world –
It’s not on us.
God’s got this.
God always has and God always will.
This is the reality presented in the story of God’s people
in the Old Testament – trying and failing, trying and failing, trying and
failing all leading up to the introduction of Jesus – the messiah who would take
the sin of the world upon himself.
The more I burden myself with the responsibility of
“snapping out of it” to embrace the life God has prepared and invited me into,
the less I understand resurrection.
The more I trust the God I believe in has the power to
reconcile ALL of creation to Godself, the more I open myself to the opportunity
for my own resurrection – from all that would pull me into despair.
I don’t have to resurrect myself.
And releasing my death grip on that reality opens the door
for God to begin God’s reconciling work in my heart and my life once again.
He is risen indeed.
Clinging to the shoulders of Christ, I, too rise.
Hallelujah.
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