The Hard Truth
Driving home from dropping of Lucas at preschool this morning, I found myself overwhelmed by a desperate sense of hopelessness. Tears streaming down my face, I tried to think of someone, anyone I could call who could listen and understand just how I feel right now.
Someone who has been through this and could lend a shoulder to cry on without expecting that I’ll come out the other side bright, shiny and happy.
Someone who has more to offer than, “Cheer up!” “Count your blessings” and the other useless crap that is so often spewed by well-meaning folk from the older generation who are either too stoic to admit that sometimes raising children is the most difficult, soul-defeating endeavor one can undertake or just plain don't remember.
Someone who understands that saying something like that to a mother who is struggling to raise young children is akin to telling someone who has lost a loved one that it is “God’s plan” and that somehow their lives will be better for the loss.
But I couldn't think of one person.
I didn’t want to bother my friends who have grown past this point.
I didn’t want to depress or scare my friends who haven’t reached this stage yet.
And I’m sick of always seeming like the downer, complaining mom to my friends who seem unbothered by the whining, independence-loving, defiant, difficult days of life with a three-year old.
And it is not so much that I can’t do ANYTHING – wash my face, brush my teeth, go to the bathroom – without a constant stream of interruptions, demands, and wining, crying fits that bothers me.
It is my reaction to these moments.
It is after myriad trials of offering choices, explaining circumstances, and reinforcing that a need will be met in just a moment – when he continues to whine and demand and I lose it and let all of my pent-up anger and frustration out on him.
That is what makes me sad.
I’m scared that I’m slowly pushing my sensitive child away from me, that he will trust less and less that I love and care for him. I’m scared that I will do irreversible damage to his independence and self-esteem when I react with angry outbursts instead of patience and love.
And I’m scared that I created this situation to begin with and am only going to make it worse.
I’m really not sure where to go from here. There’s no shiny, didactic ending to this thought. Just a sad mom, curled up in the chair in the corner with silent tears running down her face as she watches her younger son toddle around the room, joyfully playing and exploring and who wishes she could actually enjoy this moment with him.
Someone who has been through this and could lend a shoulder to cry on without expecting that I’ll come out the other side bright, shiny and happy.
Someone who has more to offer than, “Cheer up!” “Count your blessings” and the other useless crap that is so often spewed by well-meaning folk from the older generation who are either too stoic to admit that sometimes raising children is the most difficult, soul-defeating endeavor one can undertake or just plain don't remember.
Someone who understands that saying something like that to a mother who is struggling to raise young children is akin to telling someone who has lost a loved one that it is “God’s plan” and that somehow their lives will be better for the loss.
But I couldn't think of one person.
I didn’t want to bother my friends who have grown past this point.
I didn’t want to depress or scare my friends who haven’t reached this stage yet.
And I’m sick of always seeming like the downer, complaining mom to my friends who seem unbothered by the whining, independence-loving, defiant, difficult days of life with a three-year old.
And it is not so much that I can’t do ANYTHING – wash my face, brush my teeth, go to the bathroom – without a constant stream of interruptions, demands, and wining, crying fits that bothers me.
It is my reaction to these moments.
It is after myriad trials of offering choices, explaining circumstances, and reinforcing that a need will be met in just a moment – when he continues to whine and demand and I lose it and let all of my pent-up anger and frustration out on him.
That is what makes me sad.
I’m scared that I’m slowly pushing my sensitive child away from me, that he will trust less and less that I love and care for him. I’m scared that I will do irreversible damage to his independence and self-esteem when I react with angry outbursts instead of patience and love.
And I’m scared that I created this situation to begin with and am only going to make it worse.
I’m really not sure where to go from here. There’s no shiny, didactic ending to this thought. Just a sad mom, curled up in the chair in the corner with silent tears running down her face as she watches her younger son toddle around the room, joyfully playing and exploring and who wishes she could actually enjoy this moment with him.
Sonja, you are not alone. All mothers are at this point many times. Believe me I wonder how my girls ever grew up without more serious problems. You are a good mommy and this is just the trials of being a mommy. As Grandma Lois would say: Being a Mommy is a big job...or this to shall pass....oh I wondered how she could say that to me...but find myself using it now! Also she would say crying is good for the soul! Need any of her other sayings just let me know!
ReplyDeleteLove ya, hope tomorrow is better! Aunt Sandy
Wow, how quickly you took me back 25 years. My son Jared continually tried my patience. Anything from refusing to go to preschool, school, church, etc stating, "I just want to stay with you Mom". Sorry to say it went on quite a few years and it led me to yelling, threatening, grounding, whatever I could come up with to change his behavior and then the inevitable guilt when he was finally fast asleep and I looked at this sweet boy resting. Wish I had lots of good advice to give you, I don't. What I can say is that ironically today is Jared's 29th birthday and I just got off the phone with him. I am so proud of this kid! Him and his wife are expecting their 2nd daughter to be delivered next Thursday morning. He has a good job he enjoys and loves his little family. Before saying goodbye he said, "well, Mom I need to let you go. Brinley is being naughty and not listening to daddy so I'll talk to you later." So it may sound very "old news" but things do work out and your sweet little guy is just making memories for you to enjoy when he has moved ahead in his life and dealing with his own difficult child. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteThanks Vicki and Sandy for the perspective and words of encouragement. Sometimes it is easy to forget there are so many moms out there I respect who have been there and managed to raise incredible kids.
ReplyDeleteSonja, I just want you to know that you are normal! We'd all like to react perfectly, but when we don't and we realize it, we can feel "hopeless", maybe even like a failure..at least I did many times. Usually, I would wait for the right moment, sit the child or children on my lap, hug them, and tell them how much I loved them, and that I was sorry for yelling or whatever. I hate to think how many times that happened, but I really don't think there has ever been a day that my children have doubted my love for them. It's okay to mess up and feel like crap, just don't be afraid to admit it and pour on the love. Children are very forgiving, and even seem to forget better than we do. To this day, I still mess up, even with adult children, but I think each one knows it's okay to tell me when I've over stepped my bounds, and I again I say I'm sorry and try to respect them, even if we don't always agree. I feel blessed, and thankful for forgiveness...thankful that God puts up with my mistakes, and continues to love me...because we are HIS children. Somewhere out there is a book called "And then I had kids" I found it and gave it to Chris when she was struggling with some of the same stuff. I remember reading it first and realizing how I had gone through the same feelings as a mom....it was full of reminders that you are not alone with these feelings. I don't doubt for a moment that you are a great mom! I'll close with a HUG...hope you can feel it! Linda Gross
ReplyDeleteSonja, You ARE a great mom and so not alone in your feelings of frustration. I feel the same way very often. I do agree that being a parent....a mom especially.....is the hardest job we will ever have. I am thankful we are on this journey together. I am always here to listen.
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