Life As we Know It

We're watching live television for the first time in a long time thanks to this week's storm and whatever it did to our DirectTV dish.

This evening that meant watching coverage of the tornado devastation in Oklahoma. I'm not a fan of voluntarily letting someone rip my heart out of my chest for the sake of "entertainment." Unfortunately, on the antenna it was that or a historical perspective of the Challenger tragedy.

Neither is a pick-me-up.

Tomorrow a dear friend will have her first chemo treatment. It is also her birthday.

The two-year old daughter of one of the moms in my monthly Mom's Group was diagnosed with leukemia in the last month and began chemo immediately. She is struggling with fevers and has not been able to go home since her treatments began.

My childhood piano teacher recently died of pancreatic cancer.

Tragedy and the fragility of life surround us. If the guarantee of long life and happiness were what kept this earth spinning, we would have ceased to exist long ago.

THIS is life.

Struggle.

Pain.

And the amazing resiliency of the human spirit.

At any moment we face the possibility of losing all we hold dear. And yet we continue to strive, relentlessly, forward. Loving. Growing.Creating new and all the more beautiful things.

And in that we are reminded ... the everyday is hard. Sometimes it is not fun. Boring, even.

But we live. And the God that gave us life calls us forward into life despite the death that surrounds us.

Because all death leads to new life in the Kingdom of God.

Praise be to God.

Peace vs. Anticipation

I'm enjoying a gentle breeze through the windows and the sound of birds chirping in the backyard on a beautiful May afternoon.

Like most afternoons, I assume my current peace is dependent on my children's compliance. Any minute, Nicolas could come rumbling down the stairs to ask if his rest time is over, or I could hear the tell-tale thump of Analise playing in her room.

Most days I focus on anticipating these interruptions, and I miss the moment itself. As soon as I hear the door open or the feet thump to the floor my body tenses, my breath shortens, and the frustration rises. In the interim, I sit, ears pricked, ready to pounce at the slightest sound.

This anticipation is what Sarah Young, in her devotional Jesus Calling, is talking about when she admonishes, "When you try to figure out the future, you are grasping at things that are (the Lord's). This, like all forms of worry, is an act of rebellion: Doubting (the Lord's) promises to care for you."

How much of my frustration as a mother stems from trying to anticipate circumstances in order to prevent undesired outcomes?  When I stay angry with my children because their choices interrupt the solitude I long for, am I robbing myself of the opportunity to enjoy the solitude still available?

When I focus on the "not enough", whether it is not enough time, not enough solitude, not enough peace, not enough sanity, I doubt the Lord's provision for me, which is always perfect for this moment.

When I look to the next moment and dread not having patience if my dear children don't rest, I rob myself of the patience with which God is filling me in this moment, and in a way, I go into the next moment twice as empty for spending what wasn't required on this moment and not receiving his provision for the next.

God gives us our provision, our daily bread, each moment. Our call is to trust that he has provided enough and be present to receive it.

Monday is Mom's Day

Today's gift was to step aside from the routine.

Analise was invited to a friend's house for a play date, which gave Nicolas and me a morning alone. When I asked Nicolas if he'd like to go get a treat together before we went to the a park to play, he immediately said he wanted to go to McDonald's  to get a "pink drink." After his five-year checkup, Nicolas was so upset I took him to McDonald's for a strawberry-banana smoothie.

Clearly, it made an impression.

So, to McDonald's we went. Nicolas had a Cherry Berry chiller while I enjoyed a vanilla latte.

Nicolas soaring on the swings

Nicolas requested the Sports Complex park for his play time so he could play on the "wobbly  bridge". Watching him climb and run and play without the interruption of tending to another child was pure joy. Every time he said "Mom, watch ME!" I could turn the entirety of my attention to him.

After Nicolas had exhausted the potential of the sports complex, we journeyed to the Grimes Community Center park to finish our day. Nicolas rode the "spring car" to grandma's house, did pullovers on the rings, swung from the bar as Mommy spun him round and round and soared as high as he could on the swings.

We returned home in time for lunch and get ready for school.

In the afternoon I dropped Analise off at the sitter and Nicolas at preschool and returned home for an afternoon giving the house a much-needed cleaning. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, there's not much that will cleanse me inside and out like giving the house a thorough cleaning.

Good day all around.

My (non) Mother's Day, and why it's okay

I've been a mother only six short years, and in that time, no two Mother's Days have been alike. Though there were some hallmarks I could count on - A card first thing while I'm still in bed, cuddles and kisses from the kids and some sort of special gift purchased by my dear husband.

This year will be different.

Scott and Lucas left Saturday morning for the Scouting overnight and advancement ceremonies that are to last until mid-day Sunday.

Once they arrive home, we will feed the kids lunch and then rush them to afternoon swimming lessons.

Sunday I will likely wake to the sound of Nicolas running into my room, begging me to get out of bed, eager to start the day.

And then there will be Analise. It's any one's guess what state she will be in when she wakes. Bed soiled or dry. Happy or grumpy. Eager to get dressed and eat breakfast or insistent on removing her clothes and staying in her room by herself.

So I will make my coffee and feed my kids breakfast. I'll do what needs to be done to enforce our boundaries and rules, and I will endure whatever wrath that brings.

Depending on the state of Analise, we may or may not make it to church.

And that will be our day - pretty much like any ordinary day.

Even my mother is missing, out of state visiting my brother's family.

And in the non-celebrating one thing feels truer than any other Mother's Day.

This is Motherhood.

Without the pretense of a special day and the unrealistic expectations that the children will be all the more delightful and the day all the more smooth simply because we have named it a day to celebrate mothers.

And really, Mother's Day can be tricky for many.

So this year, I am thankful for simple. A day being "Mom" is privilege enough for me.

Re-Training and Potty Training

Illness and other disturbances in routine can throw the careful ecosystem of family order and discipline out the window. This was certainly the case this week for Miss Analise.

Compromises

I am fairly certain the culprit for her unprecedented crankiness Tuesday and Wednesday was a sinus infection. UTI was completely ruled out by the urine test and culture, and after 24 hours on the antibiotic, the ear-piercing scream had vanished and what was clogging her poor sinuses had started draining out her nose (pretty picture, huh?). I know I get cranky when my sinuses are full with tons of pressure and pain, and I can only imagine how it feels when you don't really understand why you feel so yucky. 

However, the couple of days of not being able to enforce our usual expectations has taken its toll. Analise is challenging every boundary we have, which means simple, consistent responses to our darling little tyrant.

This morning she did not want to change into clothing, but preferred to keep her jammies on. "That's fine, but you will have to stay inside when your brother goes out to play," was our response. Analise insisted she didn't want to go outside.

She had done a great job of going in the pot during the night. Yes, a literal pot. This has been our compromise since she has decided she does not like the potty, plus we can leave one in her room if she wakes at night! However, since she refused the potty all morning and has been dead set on wearing underwear, I have had the great joy of cleaning up two of her delightful puddles on my carpet today. It will be such a joy when she is finished and we can FINALLY clean the carpet of the pee-pee stains once and for all! (I know I totally jinxed myself there ... you can remind me of it later.)

So, the jammies and unders had to come off. Of course she wanted nothing back on. "That's fine, but little girls without clothes stay in their rooms," was my response. As much as I'd love to indulge this naked phase, we have two little boys in the house who don't appreciate it, and we have places we need to go. Clothing is required for community areas. Analise held out for an entire hour, playing in her room on her own. I let her know I would be serving lunch downstairs and that I'm happy to have little girls wearing clothing at my table to eat. Minutes later she called down to ask Mommy to help her put her clothes on. 

So we lunched, and she and big brother "played" board games, each with their own game to move the pieces around. This delightful time lasted until Analise insisted on taking her brother's pieces and would not give them back, earning herself some stair time. However, she did not care for the stairs, so back to her room she went.

When she calmed down, I bribed her onto the potty with a sucker (I really can't handle changing and washing her sheets again today). She happily climbed up and went. I wondered to myself how many suckers in a day one child can eat before it's neglectful parenting? We've already been through the "smaller"  treats and she has lost interest, and not letting her have the whole sucker didn't fly. I may decide I don't care if it means not having to clean up pee-pee puddles.

Then the dear girl needed a nap. I had her room all prepped while she was sitting on the potty finishing her sucker. She begged me to turn her light back on when we returned to her room, and I informed her it was nap time. She did not receive the news well. So, we resumed our battle-of-wills dance as she climbed out of bed and I laid her back down over and over again. My chiropracter is seeing dollar signs! After fifteen minutes of shouting, crying, climbing and being laid back down she curled up and closed her eyes. In minutes she was fast asleep, her tight fist slowly relaxed as her fingers uncurled.

This striving to identify ones self as distinct and separate from Mommy and Daddy is one of my least favorite stages. I remember so clearly our nightly battles with Nicolas screaming that he did not want to go to sleep. We certainly do our best to give our kids as many choices and as much control over themselves as possible. Unfortunately, they are smart little people. They often choose to not like either choice, and Mommy and Daddy have to choose for them, resulting in very unhappy little people. Times like these feel like breaking wild horses as they resist any and all boundaries and limits.

So, if you have been in the neighborhood or will be in the next few weeks, please know my children are safe and they are loved. They may not sound like it at any given moment, but this too shall pass, and we'll all be the better for it.

The Wildebeest Part III - Unexpected Blessings

One of my favorite bloggers is Gennon Melton, of Momastery. She has three truths she uses to center her life and in the way she blogs:

• We can do hard things
• Love wins +
• We belong to each other

http://momastery.com/blog/

In the midst of the Wildebeest adventures of our week, I experienced all three in full measure as friends extended themselves in love during a trying (albeit normal and not life-altering) time.

A lovely young friend stopped by with a cute rhyme about a "having a bad time and needing some wine" and a delicious red and some dark chocolate covered pomegranates. What love! 

Another friend has checked in via text frequently over the last few weeks as I've expressed my frustration with daily struggles. Today she graciously ran to grab lunch for my family after our mom's group meeting (that I missed, more on that later). As Glennon would say, she is a Monkee of truest colors and I am so thankful. We most certainly belong to each other.

And when I couldn't make it to that mom's group meeting, a sweetheart willingly stopped by my house on her way to the meeting to pick up the devotion I had prepared (no easy task, I know, since I am NEVER early and always running late to our meetings). So willing to do the hard thing to help another.

And finally, another amazing Monkee who texted to see if I wanted her to stop by and pick up Nicolas to take him to preschool when she dropped off her daughter. More love.

It is so amazing what happens when we extend ourselves in love to one another, and I am SO thankful to have amazing, loving friends that surround me.

So, our day ...

It started more normally. Analise woke and wanted to go downstairs for breakfast. She displayed her usual morning crankies, but minus the wildebeest-like screech that had been the hallmark of our two days prior.

After breakfast Mommy introduced the diaper change. And Analise refused. I won't take you through the whole hairy ordeal (again). Suffice it to say, she didn't want it off, and she wanted nothing back on. 

I coaxed, I bribed, I cuddled and I disciplined, all to no avail. While the mind-numbing shrill scream and utter terror was absent, her resistance was clear. And I did not have the desire to fight it. I wanted to just spend the day at home and not force her to go anywhere. I was tired of the fight. Tired of trying so hard to get her to comply.

So we just hung out. She refused to put on diaper or underwear, so we stayed upstairs. The one time she tried to go downstairs Nicolas came up yelling that he didn't "Want to sit next to a naked girl!" 

Oh, sweet child.

She had her moments .... like when she threw her nuggets and fries onto the floor .... but overall it was such an improvement from the days prior.

I still had to call Daddy to have him pick up the boys from school. She made her little body so stiff there was no way I could get her into her car seat. However in the evening when it came time to go to big brothers' 1st grade concert, she was more than happy to jump into her seat so she could go with her family.

I'm not sure where this journey will take us. My baby girl is struggling with a few things these days, least of which is the cold which started oozing out her nose today along with her terrible little cough. 

She's on the verge of potty training .... trying SO hard, wanting SO much to be done with the pull-ups but so afraid she will have accidents that the minute you start putting on the requested underwear she starts screaming, "NO, No, no!" But she doesn't want the pull-up either because she wants to be a big girl. It breaks my hear to watch her struggle so. 

And then there's this little three year old girl struggling to become an independent individual, apart from her daddy and her mommy. Just herself. Analise with all her choices and the consequences and the joys.

God help us all.

P.S.
Check out Glennon's book, Carry On Warrior! 

The Wildebeest, Part II

The Wildebeest

So, Tuesday was a challenging day with Analise.

I really thought it was an anomaly, a bump in the road, a headache that with a little TLC would go away.

Then came today.

Oh, my, had I seen today coming, I would have told yesterday to take a chill pill.

So, Wednesdays are gymnastics days. With our bad day yesterday, I was thinking from the get-go about how to make this a positive situation for all.

So, when it came time to get ready, Analise was still in her jammies. Mommy just hadn't the heart to start that conversation any sooner.

I gave Analise the choice to go to gymnastics and change her clothes, or we could just drop Nicolas off and she could stay in her jammies (she has a cough, has had a temp on and off and hasn't been eating/sleeping well).

She immediately said she wanted to go to gymnastics and asked to put clothes on. The minute her pajamas were half off she screamed, "NO GET DRESSED!" and tried to put her pajamas back on. "Please honey, let's change your diaper," I begged. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" she screamed.

I managed to change her diaper and get clothes on her body. Nicolas got in the car and I got our stuff loaded in while Analise waited inside. By the time I came to get her she was begging to go along ... that is until we got to her car seat, at which point she became stiff as a board and refused. So, we resumed the "force you into the car seat" routine.

Analise screamed her protests all the way to gymnastics. I took Nicolas in and got him settled for his class and lunch bunch. Analise let me know she did not like the car when I returned and resumed her high-pitch screaming.

At this point I decided it was more than three-year old independence and called our pediatrician.

Analise has had a low grade fever that spikes up in the evenings for the last few days and has been complaining about pain in her diaper area, which combined with her aversion to diapers, pants and the car seat made me concerned. So, I called and luckily we could get in to see our pediatrician within a half hour.

So, across the town we went. Analise settled down on the ride. When we arrived she came inside compliantly, letting me hold her.

I set her down to get checked in ... my biggest mistake of the day.

I turned around to find my darling daughter, minus her diaper and pants, attempting to remove her shirt in the middle of the doctor's office lobby.

"Analise! No! We can't take our clothes off in public!" I whisper-yelled.

"NOOOOOOO!!!" she screamed with the force of an approaching tornado.

I attempted to put the diaper back on, fighting what seemed like hundreds of limbs. She was having none of it. Observing the looks from the other parents waiting in the lobby, I quickly realized we needed an exam room, pronto.

Thankfully the receptionist agreed and ushered us back.

Analise immediately ran to hide under the exam table.

I tried to lure her out with games on my phone, and Tom and Jerry and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse via YouTube; she was not impressed.

The nurse and I decided that getting her weight was not all that important. Analise screeched through most of the intake. By the time our doctor came in, Analise had settled down a bit. She came out from her hiding place under the exam table and decided to let Doctor Amy see her face. Thankfully we have any amazing doctor who is a mother herself and knew better than to try to do a physical exam first. She came up with three pretty pink stickers and a yogurt pop to bribe Analise into peeing in the potty.

I went into the restroom with Analise, apprehensive that we would eventually have to do a catheter to get the urine sample required. We played the dance of getting on the potty to pee in the little pot over and over again. I was having no luck and wondering how long the nursing staff was going to let this little charade go on before they broke in to let us know they would have to do the cath.

Then she started crossing her legs and squatting. I tried to get her up on the potty with all manner of bribery. Finally, I appealed to her sense of fairness. "Wasn't it nice of Dr. Amy to give you the ice cream?" "Yes," she said. "You know, it would be really nice if you'd go pee pee for Dr. Amy," I coaxed.

"Yes," she said. Unfortunately, the potty was still a no-go.

Finally, I decided there was no way she was getting on the potty and pulled the little bowl off the potty and slid it under her squatting bottom.

"Go potty for Dr. Amy?" I asked.

And the golden liquid began to flow.

The preliminary urine test showed no abnormalities. Thankfully, due to the fever, fluid in the ears, the cough and the potential for infection of the diaper area, Dr. Amy prescribed an antibiotic.

Not much has changed. Daddy reported a difficult bedtime tonight.

I can only hope for a better tomorrow.